.Katemari (6:45 PM) :
feeling better today?
.Katemari (6:46 PM) :
I hope so.
edde (6:46 PM) :
I have never felt better than today. Thanks.
edde (6:46 PM) :
How are you?
.Katemari (6:46 PM) :
I´m ok.
edde (6:46 PM) :
Great, settled down in the new place yet?
.Katemari (6:47 PM) :
yes... making new friends...
.Katemari (6:47 PM) :
however work and studies take a lot of my time.
.Katemari (6:48 PM) :
but now is carnival time here, I mean, starting this week until next week - at least here, in Salvador. So, I will virtually have some free time.
edde (6:48 PM) :
Can understand that. Takes some time to get everything organized and so on.
.Katemari (6:49 PM) :
Well, organized I guess I already am.
Anyroad, how is London?
edde (6:49 PM) :
I don't really know. I haven't been out very much the last months.
edde (6:51 PM) :
I have been so caught up in my own fantasy world, then the colaps and finnaly the breakthrough.
edde (6:51 PM) :
I haven't had the streangth to do anything funny. Everything was just darknes until last Friday.
.Katemari (6:52 PM) :
what happend last friday?
edde (6:52 PM) :
Well, I had been on medication for two weeks and started slowly to feel better.
edde (6:53 PM) :
Then I was going down to the pub, just to see if I could be among people.
edde (6:54 PM) :
I bumped into Voja. Who I was pretty pissed at still since he owes me money for the phone. I hadn't seen him since we moved out in September.
.Katemari (6:55 PM) :
voja is the chef de cuisine?
.Katemari (6:55 PM) :
and then he paid you back????
edde (6:55 PM) :
He invited me back to his place for some weed and drink. On the way back we chatted about what we had done since then.
edde (6:55 PM) :
No, that is Milan. Voja was his room mate.
.Katemari (6:55 PM) :
oh, ok.
edde (6:55 PM) :
I explained what I was going through and so on.
edde (6:56 PM) :
We got back to his place and he made a spliff. We where talking about how I had been, why the others in the flat didn't really like me and so on.
edde (6:57 PM) :
I got pretty stoned. But now I know that was necesary for me. Slowly everything started to be crystal clear to me.
.Katemari (6:57 PM) :
who doesnt like you in the flat?!?!?!?!
.Katemari (6:57 PM) :
btw, whos living there now?
.Katemari (6:58 PM) :
have you been in sweden lately?
edde (6:58 PM) :
I finally understood I have been living in a fantasy world. Trying to manipulate everyone and just being mean to people.
.Katemari (6:59 PM) :
thats a strong statement to make!
edde (6:59 PM) :
Since then I have just felt better and better.
edde (6:59 PM) :
I have come to realise what a fucking idiot I was. Now I can't understand how I could be and think the way I was.
edde (7:00 PM) :
It feels like I have been waking up from hibernation after almost 36 years.
edde (7:00 PM) :
It hurts so much realising how much pain I have caused other people. You included.
.Katemari (7:01 PM) :
and how are you feeling about that? because this can make you feel good - for realising things - or bad... for the same reason.
.Katemari (7:01 PM) :
well... guess you have just answered my question now.
edde (7:01 PM) :
I know I was sick, very sick. It was something that had been building up my whole life, but finally come to an end.
.Katemari (7:02 PM) :
better now, than never, dont you think?
edde (7:02 PM) :
I have decided that I can't allow myself to feel bad because of who I was. I must feel good about who I am changing into now.
edde (7:03 PM) :
I now know that the only way I will be able to repair the pain I cause is to first heal myself, make sure I feel good and are happy. Then it will be so much easier to spread happiness around me, including to those I hurted.
.Katemari (7:03 PM) :
For what I see - I mean, for what you are telling me - you are going in a very good way, reacting positivly. So things can only get better from now on.
edde (7:05 PM) :
That's what I hope. Saturday, Sunday and this morning I woke up with a smile, looking forward to the day. THat have never happened before.
edde (7:06 PM) :
Saturday morning when I woke up I could even look at myself in the mirror and like what I saw. Before I always though I was fat and ugly and no one could ever love me.
.Katemari (7:06 PM) :
this "morning"... so you are not changing day by night anymore. :-)
edde (7:06 PM) :
I could even smile to myself and feel good about it. Before I thought I hade a stupid and weird smile.
.Katemari (7:07 PM) :
how come you can say nobody could ever love you???????
.Katemari (7:07 PM) :
you know you had people who did.
edde (7:07 PM) :
Well, its like my whole body chemistry is changing. I am bursting with energy. Now I look forward to go to bed and wake up to a new fantastic day.
edde (7:08 PM) :
Now I know that. Before I hated myself so much I refused to believe that.
edde (7:08 PM) :
I thought I deserved to feel bad and refused to even think about my feelings. I wasn't worth feeling good.
.Katemari (7:09 PM) :
so, what are your plans for this week?
edde (7:11 PM) :
Well, Delphine is moving out this week. That's not fun, but I respect that she wants that. I am just very glad I had my breakthrough before it happened so she could see the real me.
edde (7:12 PM) :
Today I saw my GP and had a very good talk with her. I will continue taking the pills and meet here every two weeks.
edde (7:12 PM) :
On Wednesday I have an appointemnt at the job centre with a personal advisor. It is very important for me to find a job quick.
.Katemari (7:13 PM) :
Can imagine that
edde (7:13 PM) :
Other than that I will continue looking for work on the net and other places, but also sort out all my problems and make a plan to fix them. It will be a hard work, but now I look forward to it.
edde (7:14 PM) :
Problems aren't bad for me anymore. They are just possibilities that can be fixed. Mere speed bumps on the road that slow me down a little while.
.Katemari (7:14 PM) :
what about the internet portal you were woking on?
edde (7:16 PM) :
I'm still working on it, but it has less priority now. I still believe in the idea and Henry and Stuart is interested to go forward with it.
.Katemari (7:17 PM) :
good.
.Katemari (7:17 PM) :
been in bk?
.Katemari (7:17 PM) :
;-)
edde (7:17 PM) :
Okido
edde (7:17 PM) :
Burger King?
.Katemari (7:18 PM) :
yes
edde (7:20 PM) :
Only once this year. I have completely changed my diet. I have lost about 25 kilo since x-mas.
edde (7:21 PM) :
I realised now that I was "comfort eating" before. I stuffed myself with junk food, burgers, pizzas, crisps, coce and so on before. Now I don't need that anymore. I feel so much better and look much better too :)
edde (7:22 PM) :
If I meet you again you wont recognise me :)
.Katemari (7:23 PM) :
I´m glad for you.
Well, I gtg now. Wish you a very good week and good luck in this new beginning
edde (7:24 PM) :
Same to you. Please try and keep in touch more often. Send me an email if I'm not online or so...
... e a fila anda, meu bem.
