O tempo passa...

.Katemari (6:45 PM) :

feeling better today?

.Katemari (6:46 PM) :

I hope so.

edde (6:46 PM) :

I have never felt better than today. Thanks.

edde (6:46 PM) :

How are you?

.Katemari (6:46 PM) :

I´m ok.

edde (6:46 PM) :

Great, settled down in the new place yet?

.Katemari (6:47 PM) :

yes... making new friends...

.Katemari (6:47 PM) :

however work and studies take a lot of my time.

.Katemari (6:48 PM) :

but now is carnival time here, I mean, starting this week until next week - at least here, in Salvador. So, I will virtually have some free time.

edde (6:48 PM) :

Can understand that. Takes some time to get everything organized and so on.

.Katemari (6:49 PM) :

Well, organized I guess I already am.

Anyroad, how is London?

edde (6:49 PM) :

I don't really know. I haven't been out very much the last months.

edde (6:51 PM) :

I have been so caught up in my own fantasy world, then the colaps and finnaly the breakthrough.

edde (6:51 PM) :

I haven't had the streangth to do anything funny. Everything was just darknes until last Friday.

.Katemari (6:52 PM) :

what happend last friday?

edde (6:52 PM) :

Well, I had been on medication for two weeks and started slowly to feel better.

edde (6:53 PM) :

Then I was going down to the pub, just to see if I could be among people.

edde (6:54 PM) :

I bumped into Voja. Who I was pretty pissed at still since he owes me money for the phone. I hadn't seen him since we moved out in September.

.Katemari (6:55 PM) :

voja is the chef de cuisine?

.Katemari (6:55 PM) :

and then he paid you back????

edde (6:55 PM) :

He invited me back to his place for some weed and drink. On the way back we chatted about what we had done since then.

edde (6:55 PM) :

No, that is Milan. Voja was his room mate.

.Katemari (6:55 PM) :

oh, ok.

edde (6:55 PM) :

I explained what I was going through and so on.

edde (6:56 PM) :

We got back to his place and he made a spliff. We where talking about how I had been, why the others in the flat didn't really like me and so on.

edde (6:57 PM) :

I got pretty stoned. But now I know that was necesary for me. Slowly everything started to be crystal clear to me.

.Katemari (6:57 PM) :

who doesnt like you in the flat?!?!?!?!

.Katemari (6:57 PM) :

btw, whos living there now?

.Katemari (6:58 PM) :

have you been in sweden lately?

edde (6:58 PM) :

I finally understood I have been living in a fantasy world. Trying to manipulate everyone and just being mean to people.

.Katemari (6:59 PM) :

thats a strong statement to make!

edde (6:59 PM) :

Since then I have just felt better and better.

edde (6:59 PM) :

I have come to realise what a fucking idiot I was. Now I can't understand how I could be and think the way I was.

edde (7:00 PM) :

It feels like I have been waking up from hibernation after almost 36 years.

edde (7:00 PM) :

It hurts so much realising how much pain I have caused other people. You included.

.Katemari (7:01 PM) :

and how are you feeling about that? because this can make you feel good - for realising things - or bad... for the same reason.

.Katemari (7:01 PM) :

well... guess you have just answered my question now.

edde (7:01 PM) :

I know I was sick, very sick. It was something that had been building up my whole life, but finally come to an end.

.Katemari (7:02 PM) :

better now, than never, dont you think?

edde (7:02 PM) :

I have decided that I can't allow myself to feel bad because of who I was. I must feel good about who I am changing into now.

edde (7:03 PM) :

I now know that the only way I will be able to repair the pain I cause is to first heal myself, make sure I feel good and are happy. Then it will be so much easier to spread happiness around me, including to those I hurted.



.Katemari (7:03 PM) :

For what I see - I mean, for what you are telling me - you are going in a very good way, reacting positivly. So things can only get better from now on.

edde (7:05 PM) :

That's what I hope. Saturday, Sunday and this morning I woke up with a smile, looking forward to the day. THat have never happened before.

edde (7:06 PM) :

Saturday morning when I woke up I could even look at myself in the mirror and like what I saw. Before I always though I was fat and ugly and no one could ever love me.

.Katemari (7:06 PM) :

this "morning"... so you are not changing day by night anymore. :-)

edde (7:06 PM) :

I could even smile to myself and feel good about it. Before I thought I hade a stupid and weird smile.

.Katemari (7:07 PM) :

how come you can say nobody could ever love you???????

.Katemari (7:07 PM) :

you know you had people who did.

edde (7:07 PM) :

Well, its like my whole body chemistry is changing. I am bursting with energy. Now I look forward to go to bed and wake up to a new fantastic day.

edde (7:08 PM) :

Now I know that. Before I hated myself so much I refused to believe that.

edde (7:08 PM) :

I thought I deserved to feel bad and refused to even think about my feelings. I wasn't worth feeling good.

.Katemari (7:09 PM) :

so, what are your plans for this week?

edde (7:11 PM) :

Well, Delphine is moving out this week. That's not fun, but I respect that she wants that. I am just very glad I had my breakthrough before it happened so she could see the real me.

edde (7:12 PM) :

Today I saw my GP and had a very good talk with her. I will continue taking the pills and meet here every two weeks.

edde (7:12 PM) :

On Wednesday I have an appointemnt at the job centre with a personal advisor. It is very important for me to find a job quick.

.Katemari (7:13 PM) :

Can imagine that

edde (7:13 PM) :

Other than that I will continue looking for work on the net and other places, but also sort out all my problems and make a plan to fix them. It will be a hard work, but now I look forward to it.

edde (7:14 PM) :

Problems aren't bad for me anymore. They are just possibilities that can be fixed. Mere speed bumps on the road that slow me down a little while.

.Katemari (7:14 PM) :

what about the internet portal you were woking on?

edde (7:16 PM) :

I'm still working on it, but it has less priority now. I still believe in the idea and Henry and Stuart is interested to go forward with it.

.Katemari (7:17 PM) :

good.

.Katemari (7:17 PM) :

been in bk?

.Katemari (7:17 PM) :

;-)

edde (7:17 PM) :

Okido

edde (7:17 PM) :

Burger King?

.Katemari (7:18 PM) :

yes

edde (7:20 PM) :

Only once this year. I have completely changed my diet. I have lost about 25 kilo since x-mas.

edde (7:21 PM) :

I realised now that I was "comfort eating" before. I stuffed myself with junk food, burgers, pizzas, crisps, coce and so on before. Now I don't need that anymore. I feel so much better and look much better too :)

edde (7:22 PM) :

If I meet you again you wont recognise me :)

.Katemari (7:23 PM) :

I´m glad for you.

Well, I gtg now. Wish you a very good week and good luck in this new beginning

edde (7:24 PM) :

Same to you. Please try and keep in touch more often. Send me an email if I'm not online or so...







... e a fila anda, meu bem.